I Hate Titles

YES! I am still alive, I hope that was enough photographic evidence! I think I have finially decicded a plan of action regarding school, post secondary school to be specific. I will go to college and get an associate of science, see how that goes, and then either complete a bachelors degree (spealizing in what I'm not sure), or if after the two years nursing is still what I really want to do than I can go into nursing. I'm just discovering right now how much I love math and chemistry, and while I love biology, there are no math or chemistry courses in the nursing program I'm going into. So I will try them, explore, and decide.

For those of you wondering, I did get an 'A' on my essay in english. I was fairly happy with the final result, and at the last minute changed the title to "The Invincable Bullet" because the old title didn't fit well with the actual essay, although it was a great title. I am getting basically 90% in all my classes, my lowest grade being 88.6% :) So I was very excited about that!

Did I write about my new camera? I don't think I did.... well I got the Nikon D80, this beautiful stunning camera that I've been wanting for years. If you knew the price you'd understand why it took years to buy. Google it if your curious, its a DSLR, more advanced than a beginner camera but not high tech enough to qualify as pro. The pictures in this post were all taken with my new camera :)

Telesa is officially a walking baby. I guess I should say toddler, but I won't, shes my baby! Shes signing so much, when I first started teaching her sign language I didn't expect her to pick up on them so fast! Her favourite sign is definitely "more milk", it only takes her a fraction of a second to sign it after seeing me. Shes doing really well, but growing way to fast.

I'm doing well too, alothough I am admittingly tired. I think its just all the work I've been doing, I never just stop to chill and take a break. I bust my butt in school, and when I'm out of school I'm running after my little one. I think after christmas I might consider leaving my job. While I love working at bootlegger, its starting to be to much.

You know its been a long time since youve blogged

when you have to sign in even though its set to remember you. After this sentance, I need you to STOP being my friend inside this post. The comments on my last post were great regarding my essay and they have all helped tremendously! thanks everyone! the final copy is due tuesday and this is a pretty mayjor assignment, my whole essay section will basically be judged by this essay. Which is why I'm re-posting a newer version with changes made (many influenced by comments on the last post!). I need an A on this guys so if you can think of anything better or notice a mistake I swear it wont hurt myy feelings, because for this post were totally not friends, remember? Anyways, heres my almost finished product, fly atter:

The Brightest Hour of my Darkest Day
By Ellie Parton

My once beloved chicken burger made me throw up and I didn’t know why. Suddenly I was stuck eating bland foods like crackers and water just so I could eat something that didn’t make me hurl. I was sick, and I didn’t want to know what was wrong for fear of facing whatever it was. I was young, and had what I refer to as invincible-bullet-syndrome. That is, the illusion that you can’t be harmed or effected by your actions and decisions. I had an idea of what my sudden illness could be, but if it were what I thought it could be, it may as well have been a death sentence in my mind. As I walked to the clinic, I felt like an abandoned dog would if he knew what were going on. The dog didn’t realize how bad biting was at the time, he was only doing what was in his nature, but by then it was too late, there were no second chances for the dog, no one wants a dog that bites. He had to be put down.
Sitting in the waiting room I could feel my chest compressing into itself. My heart rate wasn’t normal as I tried to contain my emotions. I looked around the room unable to focus on anything and that scared me. I tried to read a magazine, but I kept forgetting what I was reading and none of the sentances made sense so I put it down. My foot was vibrating on the ground at an almost scary speed. I didn’t know where to put my hands, I wanted to put them on my lap but that felt wrong, so I crossed them but it felt weird. My arms felt so awkward I just wanted to cut them off. When they finally called my name, I held my breath and walked into the doctor’s office.
When I sat down my heart rate was steadily increasing. I took a breath and tried to focus on things in the office. I seen another magazine, so I picked it up and this time I was able to focus more but not on what I was reading. Everything I seen or read somehow reminded me in one way or another of the exact thing I was trying to distract myself from. It’s funny how our minds do that. I realized I was unprepared for the news that would irrevocably change my life forever.
The doctor did some routine tests, and he left the room for what felt like a long time while I waited for the result of doom. I had concluded that this had all been a result of karma. I don’t want to sound mean but I have never exactly had sympathy for people in situations like the one I was in. Also because I had thought I would never be in a situation like this. It’s really my fault for thinking I was above it or something.
When the results were official it felt like a small balloon had been popped in my chest. My throat closed up as I tried to talk. I wanted to seem as calm as possible. All of my concentration was focusing on not crying. I just wanted to get out of the doctor’s office, I didn't want to exist anymore. It all felt surreal to me. My mind was having a hard time grasping what had just happened. At first I couldn’t believe it, it was like a dream. I was thinking about so many things that I didn’t know what to really focus my mind on and that made me dizzy. Walking home it felt like every car that passed by somehow knew and I could feel their judgment pass as they stuck their nose up at yet another pregnant teenager.

Two Posts in one!

First Post:

Telesa walked yesterday! She took THREE steps to me! I wish I got it on camera, but when I do I'll post it! It was so exciting, I couldn't believe it. She was just wlaking along the furniture as normal and then just let go and kept going! I'm so proud of her! She also said "cracker" earlier this week, which doesn't surprise me because crackers are one of her favourite foods! This is a short but sweet post as you can tell, I just wanted to share the good news with everyone of Telesas big milestones :)

Second Post:

I need your help (yes, you! the person reading this). We are doing an essay in English and I am writing about the day I found out I was pregnant. My first problem is I can't think of a good title for the life of me, any suggestions? Second, well, something about it just seems missing and it simply doesn't feel complete. If you have any suggestions please share! Have a good metaphor or simile or a better descriptive word than what I'm using? THROW IT AT ME :D I want to know how you guys think I can make it better! (When your reading just keep in mind its still a draft and certainly not the final copy)! I'll post the final copy when its finished :)

No Title (yet)
By Ellie Parton

Symptoms: Nausea (all the time), certain foods made me sick, Aunt Flow stopped visiting, and lastly I had sudden cravings for pickles (among other things, such as cherry pie). Reasons for denial: The biggest was my age (I was sixteen at the time), also I was single and scared, other reasons include (but are not limited to) the fact that I was a “rebellious” teenager who had the invincible-bullet-syndrome (the feeling that you couldn’t be harmed or affected by your actions). Reason for going to get tested: because everyday it was getting harder to ignore what I already knew.
Sitting in the waiting room I could feel my chest compressing into itself. My heart rate wasn’t high but it wasn’t normal as I tried to contain my emotions. I looked around the room unable to focus on anything and that scared me. I tried to read a magazine, but the words went in one ear and out the other so I put it down. My foot was vibrating on the ground at an almost scary speed. I didn’t know where to put my hands, should I put them on my lap or on my stomach? My arms felt so awkward I just wanted to cut them off. When they finally called my name, I held my breath and walked into the doctor’s office.
When I sat down my heart rate was steadily increasing. I took a breath and tried to focus on things in the office. I seen another magazine, so I picked it up and this time I was able to focus more but not in a good way. Everything I seen or read somehow reminded me in one way or another of the exact thing I was trying to distract myself from. It’s funny how our minds do that. I was unprepared for the news that would irrevocably change my life forever.
I didn’t really have to go pee, but the doctor made me, in a tiny cup no less. At the time I didn’t realize it was the first of many, many, (countless) cups I would have to pee in for the next nine months. I placed the cup in the tiny “specimen” door and waited for them to do the test of doom. I couldn’t believe how dumb and irresponsible I had been. “If I had just done this…” or “If I didn’t do that…”‘s were filling my mind. I tried to look on the bright side; maybe I had a life threatening stomach disease.
When the results were official it felt like a small but very real balloon had been popped in my chest. My throat closed up as I tried to talk. I wanted to seem as calm as possible. All of my concentration was focusing on not crying. I just wanted to get out of the doctors office, and crawl in a tiny space and just stay there forever. It all felt surreal to me. My mind was having a hard time grasping what had just happened. At first I couldn’t believe it, it was like a dream. I was thinking about so many things that I didn’t know what to really focus my mind on and that made me dizzy. Walking home it felt like every car that passed by somehow knew and I could feel their judgment pass as they stuck their nose up at yet another pregnant teenager.

**Side Note about the first paragraph: were exploring new writing techniques and one of the ways is in a "list". He challenged us to write a list in our essay if possible, so I thought Id give it a shot. Do you think starting with a list like that adds to my essay or do you think it just sounds stupid?***

Proud Young Momma of a One Year Old!

Telesas birthday went so well! We went for dinner and she had her favourite: BAKED SPAGHETTI! it was a lot of fun! My jaw just about dropped when I seen an e-mail from babycenter.com though.... I dont know if you guys get the weekly developmental e-mails, but it always was titled "Your BABY this week" and yesterday it said "your TODDLER this weekend" and I though "surely, an error, shes still a baby" but when I checked it, it was no error! They start calling them toddlers at 1!!!!!! which is way to early for me, I refuse to call her a toddler before 18 months. which is when the daycare starts calling babies toddlers. Denial? Maybe. Do I care? No :)

I'd love to add photos, but I still need to hunt down the camera cord. Until then picture in your mind the most beautiful baby girl with spaghetti all over her face and hands with a big grin on her face wearing a plastic Boston Pizza bib and *voila* your looking at telesas birthday picture!!!!!!

I'm pretty nervous for her party this saturday though. I have no idea how many people are coming, so I don't know how much food to buy etc.! I'm worried I might run out of plates or cups or run out of food or cake or there wont be enough chairs or space for every or AH so many things Im worried about! Anywhere from 30-50 people are coming so I know it will be hectic! How did your childs first birthday go? Were your crazy like me and invited lots of people or kept it small? What was the theme? More importantly, how did you survive it!

ps. Thanks for all the birthday wishes for Telesa yesterday! Telesa wanted me to tell you THANKS ;) oh and *kisses*

September 17

I am sitting here in disbelief. The day after tomorrow it will be exactly one year since I was at the hospital, breathing through contractions. One year since I first held my baby and marveled at her beauty. It will have been one year since my life was forever changed, the day I became a mom.

Sitting here I am reflecting on this amazing journey. I can feel my heart melting as I think about her first smile. I'm sure those reading are familiar with the song "you are my sunshine", well I sang that to her all the time. So much so, that one night while sleeping, I had Telesa sleeping on my chest. I went to snuggle her and kiss her forehead, when I realized she wasn't in my arms, and I had dreamed it. I don't know why, but I was just so disappointed and sad, I actually started crying. Thats when I really understood what that part of the song meant.

I've had ups and downs but its been so worth it. I look at her and I think "I love you so much, how could I possibly love you more?" and it never ceases to amaze me that I do everyday.

Its back to school for my butt!

I had my first day of school yesterday! It was pretty basic, the teachers just going over class rules. I actually had math homework the first day, and at first I had trouble with it so I went in today before school started, and after the teacher explained it, I got it pretty quickly. First block I have chemistry 11, B block I would have had physics, but I elected to turn it into a study block so I could excell in my other subjects. I figure that way I will have less homework and more time to spend on the classes I NEED for college, where as physics was more of a "want". In C block I have Principles 11. Unfortunately in Principles 10, my weak point was functions, and what did we start with in principles 11? Quadratic Functions! Its okay though, I'm starting to get it way better.

Finally in last block I have English 12. English is not one of my strongest subjects, and while I love to write as you may have noticed I make lots of those little grammer and spelling mistakes. Maybe one of my goals will be to improve the writing quality of my blog, that is, assuming I find the time! I can tell already that I will have lots of homework! Between school, Telesa, and work, well, I won't have much time left! I have a full-time job (Telesa, because I think all you moms out there agree being a mom IS a full-time job!), and part-time job (bootlegger) and a full-time student. Whew! It was hard just typing all that!

I other events, its a sad day at our house, as we had to get rid of our dog Brutus. You may have read in a previous post that he was on his last strike for nipping Telesa. Well, today he actually bit her, don't worry shes okay, no serious marks or anything, but oh my poor baby! It scared her half-to-death, and my step-dad said her cry still rings in his ears. While he loves Brutus he understands that Telesas safety is whats most important, and that Brutus is not a good baby friendly dog and would only get worse. My brother, on the other hand, completely blames me for Brutus's ban. While I feel bad, I stand by my decision to kick him out, because I never want to feel what I did again when I seen him bite my daughter. My heart honestly sank, and it was so hard to hear her cry because of him.

I really missed working

I'm back at bootlegger! I really missed working in my awesome retail store job. I love it, I help people shop all day and get paid! Its good for me, because I love the socialization and I'm big on customer service. I'm a firm believer that customer service can make or break a company, so when I'm working I strive to be the best sales associate possible, not just for the company, but for personal satisfaction.

The people I work with are amazing, sometimes I forget my boss is even my boss, because she feels like a friend. Its good to have a job that your actually excited to go, I find it way less stressful. I wish I could live the lifestyle I want for me and Telesa off the sales associates wage, its enough to get by but not enough for everything I want and feel we as a family deserve. Which is why I'm going back to school in September.

In the meantime though, its great working there while money isn't a huge issue because I live with my parents. The frequency and hours I get for most people wouldn't be desirable, but for me its absolutely perfect! I'm essentially their seasonal hire, I work there during the busy times. Right now its back-to-school season, so I'm their extra person they hire who they don't need to train, because I know the ropes! After school starts, I'll work weekends until they don't need me. Then, hopefully, they'll take me back during Christmas season. I love the discount too, not gunna lie, its pretty awesome.

Photos: The first picture is of me and Jaz, the assitant manager, and the guy is the hot DJ we hired for the day. It was so fun, he played good music, and he was my eye candy for the day lol :)

The second picture is of me and Angela, the store manager, my boss/friend :) Same day as the first one, I was about 6 months pregnant there. The mall hired an amazing face painter for the kids, and calling it "face painting" doesn't do her justice, its more like face ART! Anyways, I didn't want anything on my face because I felt a little old, so all the staff had something done on our bodies. The pictures on our arms were done by her, arn't they beautiful?